Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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