hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Randomize
