I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Bring me that man meat
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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