Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
