speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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