ya dads aren't the best wingmen
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
