I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
