if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i came on her dog
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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