It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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