I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
