apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
