well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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