Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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