Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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