I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
