So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
