I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
