I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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