3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Randomize
