I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
