ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I got inside last night via doggy door
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
