If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Alive.
So much puke
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
