Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
