I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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