So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
this is an emotional support booty call
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
