Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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