I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
