Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
