Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
