I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Two words: nipple clamps
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