After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I have fence marks all over my body
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