I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
