You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
