I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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