am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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