happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
