you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
