and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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