Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Randomize
