For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
