the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
