He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
