Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
