..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
