dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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