I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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