The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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