I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
