1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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