Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
