and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
